Tag Archives: existential

A Cultural Crisis of Responsibility: Responding to a Denial of Our Humanity

This blog was originally published on the New Existentialist Blog on May 6, 2014. It was republished here after the New Existentialist Blog was discontinued.

When I received my new insurance cards for our family’s vehicles, I was struck that on the back it reads, “Do not admit fault,” in bold print. In a previous employment setting, we were told to never admit a mistake due to the possibility it could create a vulnerability to being sued. Many therapy students, by time they graduate, are so afraid of making a mistake that could cost them their licenses that they end up being highly constrained therapists, often leading to ineffectiveness.

I was recently part of an intense disagreement that occurred within a group setting. In trying to understand and work through this conflict, I consistently attempted to recognize my contributions to the conflict and acknowledge them with an apology. Several people who were aware part of the process as well as others I consulted with encouraged me to stop admitting mistakes. Their reasons were primarily twofold. First, they noted that often I seemed to be looking for my mistakes and acknowledging things that were not really my fault. Second, they worried that this would be used against me. Although my friends and colleagues were right, I insisted on acknowledging my contributions to the problems even when minor or unintentional. I felt my integrity would not allow for me to do anything else. Additionally, I hoped that my taking ownership of part of the problem would make it easier for others to do the same. In the end, taking responsibility was ineffective, but I still feel good about my choices to take responsibility where I contributed to the problem.

It seems American culture has become terrified of responsibility. Taking responsibility is often hard enough without the cultivation of this fear. Yet, we seem to be taking this to extremes, as so often happens in the United States, and it is contributing to some rather serious problems.

Photo by Louis Hoffman, PhD

Authenticity, Zhi Mian, and Self-Acceptance

The denial of responsibility is almost inevitably an inauthentic and self-deceptive endeavor. The
principle of zhi mian calls us to face ourselves, others, and the world directly and honestly. When we do this, we are flooded with the recognition that we are imperfect and responsible for many mistakes. This is part of being human.

An authentic call to responsibility pushes us toward a deeper self-acceptance (See Hoffman,
Lopez, & Moats, 2013). Self-acceptance too often is intertwined with attempts to rationalize ourselves as being right or justified in our mistakes instead of embracing our humanity as imperfect creatures. Authentic self-acceptance requires that we are honest with ourselves about responsibility. Instead of seeking to justify our mistakes, we embrace them. This is not easy. If it seems to be, then one should question the authenticity and depth at which this is embraced. Yet, when we can establish a foundation of self-acceptance that is honest while deeply acknowledging our own imperfections and humanity, then we can use this self-acceptance as a foundation for responsibility.

Mutual and Collective Responsibility

The idea that ‘it takes two to have a conflict’ is a common cliché, but rarely is the deep meaning of this simple phrase lived and embraced. This cliché again points to our humanity; we are all imperfect and that even when our intentions are good, we will still make mistakes.

In my marriage, I have learned over and over that it is ineffective to try to identify and point out the mistakes that my wife is making. It is not because my wife is resistant to acknowledging her faults or mistakes; in fact, the reason has nothing to do with her. Instead, this is ineffective because of the impact it has upon me regardless of her response. When I look for my wife’s mistakes, I feel like a victim and become angry, typically about something over which I have very little control. When I focus on looking for my own mistakes, even when they are unintentional, I have a very different attitude. I am able to approach conflicts softer with greater openness.

In leadership roles in organizations, I increasingly find myself advocating for mutual responsibility. Conflicts within groups and organizations easily become polarized, with individuals or groups being blamed for the problems. This, too, is deception. Organizations and groups are almost inevitably destined to repeat cycles of scapegoating, blaming, and conflict if they cannot learn to take mutual responsibility for problems. This rather simple idea too often seems to become lofty idealism when brought into practical application.

Of course, there are always exceptions. I am not suggesting that shared responsibility is a universal. Child abuse, rape, and other tragedies have innocent victims. Yet, if we are honest, conflicts and problems where there is a single responsible part are quite rare in comparison to the pervasive examples of collective responsibility.

Conclusion

Most pieces I write for the New Existentialists I write with the hope that it may have at least some positive impact, even though most likely small. Yet, I write this piece with a sad heart, confident that it will have little to no impact. There is too much cultural pressure to the avoidance of responsibility and I don’t foresee a change or even much hope. We see this in politics, in business, in friendships, and in families. I have witnessed and experienced too many friendships and relationships end over this deep resistance to responsibility. I do not see myself as above this either. When confronted with my mistakes, my typical first reaction is defensiveness and often anger. Frequently, I act from this place instead of mindfully watching my first reaction and waiting to respond until I have more honestly analyzed the situation.

So why do I write this piece? In part, it is a confession. In part, it is to hold myself accountable to striving toward more authentic responsibility and self-acceptance. But most of all, I felt compelled to write.

References

Hoffman, L., Lopez, A., & Moats, M. (2013). Humanistic psychology and self-acceptance. In M. Bernard (Ed.), The strength of self-acceptance: Theory, research, and practice (pp. 317). Springer.

~ Louis Hoffman, PhD

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Work-Life Balance, Authenticity, and Existential Values

This was originally published on the New Existentialist Blog on March 4, 2014. It was republished here after the New Existentialist Blog was discontinued.

I deeply believe that one of our greatest crises in the United States, as well as much of the world, is our inability to achieve work-life balance. Although “crisis” may sound dramatic, I believe there is a case for it. The psychological and physical health costs are quite significant, despite the difficulty in calculating them. These costs are hidden under personal and family stress, fast food and other poor eating habits, and habitual stress.

I come from a family of workaholics. Early in my career, 80 hour workweeks were not unusual for me and 60 hour plus work weeks were the norm. I would often hear, “I don’t know how you do it all,” and would appreciate this as a compliment. It was not until later that I began realizing this was an indictment of a problem. My personal change came through love, relationships, and reflection upon existential values.

While I spent many of my days talking about the importance of love, compassion, and relationships, I had trouble authentically living these because by all accounts, what was driving my life, or my ultimate concern, had become work and the development of existential psychology. Yet, the existential psychology I adhere to drives us to something beyond existential psychology; its ultimate concern is love and relationship. Yet, paradoxically, my commitment to existential psychology and work was interfering with my ability to authentically live it. This parallels what I’ve routinely witnessed in advocates of self-care: frequently, the individuals who teach and advocate for self-care are those who are the poorest at it and need it the most.

As I recognized my inauthentic lifestyle, I reflected upon what were the deepest values I wanted to live in my life. The top priority was easy: my sons, my wife, and my family. Next in line were my friendships. The third value in my big three was living a life of passionate compassion, which included direct expressions of compassion and concern along with advocacy and activism. I recognized that until I began living these values, I had no right to teach and train people in existential psychology as I could not do it authentically.

The shift is not easy. One of my first commitments in this change was that I began rarely working in the evenings or weekends, including appointments, phone calls, or emails. When I began implementing this, I would often have frustrated and angry emails on Monday because I had not responded to emails from Friday or the weekend. Over time, as I made my commitments to balance clear to colleagues and students, this boundary began to be respected. Yet, the volume of emails I have on Monday often still feels overwhelming. Frequently, all day Monday is nothing but catching up on email. I am also less efficient and responding to emails and everyone’s demands of me, including semi-frequently
missing an email. While I feel bad for aspects of this trend, knowing that it comes out of a commitment to balance helps me accept this personal limitation. In a world where receiving 50 or more emails a day is common, a commitment to balance sometimes means that things will fall through the cracks.

Challenges

Trying to live a balanced life in an unbalanced world is not easy. I recognize that my ability to achieve some semblance of it is connected to my privilege. It is less easy for many, including my students who have to work, often full-time, to be able to go to school, and my colleagues who have to work two or more jobs to make ends meet. This is a sign of a broken system. We need a cultural change.

The economy in the United States is one of the biggest challenges. Many individuals have to work multiple part-time jobs, or add part-time employment onto their full-time job, to make ends meet. Many employers are asking their employees to work more hours, take on more tasks, and be more efficient for the good of the company or to protect their jobs. Some fear that they will not have a job without working excessive hours. Furthermore, the willingness to put in many hours often seems more prized by employers than the ability to do good work. Yet, if the only way a company can survive is by exploiting its employees and putting their psychological and physical health at risk, then it should be asked whether it should survive. This is particularly true in mental health agencies where often therapists and other providers are worked to the point of severe costs to their own psychological and even physical health.

For many, like myself, the love of what one does is a challenge. I love teaching, writing, and providing psychotherapy and supervision. They are not just things that I do for a paycheck— they are things I do out of love for these tasks and recognition of their meaning. If I were independently wealthy so that I never needed to work again and was not allowed to take a paycheck, I would still want to do this work for free. But I must recognize that I am better at this work when I live a balanced life. It negatively impacts myself, my students, my clients, and even my employer when I do too much.

Conclusion

I am often not as efficient as I used to be and not as productive. For those used to my prior levels of productivity, they are sometimes frustrated with me for not doing as much or responding as quickly as they are used to. While I wish this wasn’t true, I am glad the reason for these limitations is that love of family and friends, concern for myself, and an authentic commitment to my existential values have taken over as my lived ultimate concerns.

~ Louis Hoffman, PhD